Monday, September 21, 2009

The sorta night it's been

I have been in a creative funk all day. I did my typical scouring of the Internet in search for something, anything I could rant, rave, praise or bash, but nothing caught my eye. I had nearly come to the conclusion that I was about to let the NAD and its readers down. Tonight, I just didn't have it in me.

Suddenly at about 10:00 pm, usually a time of peace and quiet in my household, my 10 year old daughter bursts through the living room door, not panicked, sorta giggling, a weird bemused look in her eye, and says 'mommy needs you'. Fair enough, weird request, but why is she so awake? Off I trudge, towards our bedroom, a tad angry, it's late, it's my time of the night, why oh why is everyone in the house still wide awake? I enter the kitchen. Emily laughing, 'what are you doing Zach?' she says. I look towards the kitchen sink, there I see my 6 year old son Zach pissing in the garbage can. My brain goes pbthhh, huh, wah, what the heck is happening, how is this possible? 'Zach, Zach, what are you doing Zach, that is not the toilet, stop!' It was of course way past too late. He had somehow managed to stop peeing on the floor, he was conscious enough to come to the conclusion that the garbage can was a better piss receptacle. Hurray for small miracles. Clean up in aisle six. Oh and have I said fuck yet? No? Oh well then, FUCK!

There you have it, another night in the life of a brand new dad. All this will be fodder for when Zach is older. Ye gods are his future girlfriends going to hear about this. Mean? Perhaps. But how can I not?


  1. The piss you off moments that become priceless in later years.. all i can say to you is HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  2. You should submit this story to "Life's Like That" in Readers Digest.

    I've been in a funk all day too. Thanks for cheering me up brother. I'll be back to my usual chipper self tomorrow..

  3. Thanks Val. This will be a thing I can hang over Zach forever, poor bugger.

    Dave, sorry to hear about the funk, something must be in the air. Glad I could do my bit to cheer you up. As for Reader's Digest didn't they finally go belly up? I'd have to clean up the piss, and the F-bombs, they were a pretty pg publication.

    Now where the hell did I put the mop?

  4. Ahhhh, the ammunition the young ones give us for when they are teens and need to be reminded that we have it. Thats one for the books Joseph! Keep the humor, its your first survival better than anything else I've tried..

  5. I took a dump behind the drapes once when I was 5. I was a rebellious mother has never let me live it down.

  6. Thanks Terri. The whole damn thing gets funnier by the second. When it was going down I was thinking why me? But at the end of the day this is something Zach is going to have to live with, not me.

  7. Hahaha, it takes a brave man to feel secure enough to admit to pooping behind the drapes Dave. Good on you.

  8. I got a penny's worth of thoughts for this one too...and ahh, how it brings me back.
    I was a very avid non-toilet pisser while i was very little. Anything that could hold liquid, I figured, was certainly good enough for my "Matt-water". I filled the bottom 1/4 of an empty plastic shopping bag and left it, as I've been reminded over the years, right next to one of my mother's friend's purses. Apparently curiosity got the best of her, and when she picked up the bag by her purse on the floor she got drenched in piss. A year or so later, age 5, I filled my little brother Danny's shoes with Matt water and this time it ended up all over my dad....who summoned my mom who was barefoot and stepped into a previously unnoticed lake I had left closer to the entrance of the bedroom. These were the ump-teenth similar incidents. They were REALLY mad...and in the end I found myself perched on a little blue chair in the office of a special "talking doctor" (shrink), and wondered until I was older-- at least in the back of my head, if this series of events was what caused my parents to split up.
    To be honest, i still have to fight the urge to fill various receptacles at least twice a week.
    Don't fear Joe, if you get into a creative slump, next time try random acts of they sure did set me free back in the day...

  9. Once my son went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but instead of using the toilet he used the trash can. I happened to walk by and catch it, but he was sound asleep. SO I couldn't really yell at him. He didn't know what he was doing.

  10. The morning after:

    Says mom: 'Zach, do you remember sleepwalking into the kitchen and peeing all over the floor last night?'

    Zach: 'I sleepwalked?'
    'Did I pull my pants down?'
    A whole lotta giggles. He figures it was he coolest night ever.

    Mom: 'You now dad is gonna use this story every time you bring a girl into the house, right?'

    Zach laughed all the way to school.